I felt stuck at one job so I left for another, but I still feel stuck.


I’m not as tired as I used to be, but I still feel stuck.

I have more time for myself to focus on the things I need to, but I’m still stuck.

My humor has become so dry because my morale is so low. I tell everyone that once I have a full time job with benefits I’ll be happy. That it’s the only thing I want. Weekends Off! Health Insurance of my own! BENEFITS!

But, what if that’s not true? If I found these things would I be happy? Or would I still feel stuck?

As of right now, I’m pretty convinced that it’s the key to happiness, so I’ll hold on to that until I’m proven otherwise. I’ve seen posts floating around on the interwebs about how (dare I say) millennials see the bare minimums as the ultimate kind of happiness.

Their own roof. Decent health insurance. A job. Just to be an independent and functioning member of society. Not even to be well-off monetarily, but just to not have so much debt.

How sad is that? So sad it’s funny. My ultimate birthday wish? A fucking salary. Heck, I’ll even take hourly if it means it’s in the job field I want. Kill me. I’m turning 23, why can’t my birthday wish be something more whimsical? Oh yah I forgot, it’s because I’m being completely mediocre at life right now.

I feel disappointed at myself sometimes. I wonder if I did college wrong. Did I not prep myself enough for life after the four-year staycation from mom and dad?

The answer is probably “yes, Kiara, da fuq did you think this was?” 

Well, Life, I wish you would have made yourself a bit more scary and more aggressive towards me in college so I would have scared myself into preparing better, damn. I hope to myself that there’s a lot of people like me.

This blog is called Losers of Crown Town after all. Losers as in plural, plural is in more than one loser. Yet, I feel like everyone around me has got their postgrad progress a little more accelerated than mine. It’s that good ole impatience holding hands with insecurity again.

Someone make me a smoothie and bring me a telenovela to drown the self-doubt away.


K thnx.

“Once I’m Established”

The phrase “once I’m established” is my favorite thing to say when I imagine my successful, adult future. For some time I’ve kept a poorly organized mental list in my head of all the things I hope to do the second I become a stable, functioning member of society. They go beyond the normal “I want to decorate my own home” type of ideas. Although they aren’t even that impressive lol. I think most people have nice, reliable cars (see item 8). These will be the things that prove that I have finally entered the true adult life:

  1. Own a garage and park my car inside (not having my own home means I’m the extra car that parks on the street)
  2. Enroll in pole dancing classes (fitness classes will mean I have extra money to spend, plus I’ll gain extra street cred for being able to pole dance)
  3. Actually pay for a Netflix account (as I currently mooch of my mom’s).
  4. Sleep in a new, nice, expensive mattress (The day I move out permanently, is the day I buy myself the most prestigious mattress I can afford).
  5. Have a room dedicated as a library (being established must mean that I have accumulated a mass amount of literature in my journey to adulthood.)
  6. Grow avocado trees in my backyard (I just really like avocados and really dislike their priciness)
  7. Teach my kids Spanish (as a prospering adult I surely have perfected my own Spanish skills, bagged a man, and yielded children to educate.)
  8. Own a reliable, fairly new car that doesn’t have multiple issues or embarrassments.
  9. Have a shit ton of shoes, just because I love shoes.
  10. Chop off all my hair. I have this idea that as an established adult who is happy and confident, I will no longer feel the need to have hair on my head lol.

Keeping a list like this, keeps things fun for me. They’re little things to look forward to and I’m definitely interested in how many I’ll actually be able to check mark.

How To Stop Yourself From Sinking

There are some days when I wake up and I can tell I’m feeling a bit down. It’s usually on my off days when I’m not being distracted by interning or work. With everyone in the house gone and most everyone I know busy, if I don’t get up early and make myself do things, I begin to sink even more.


Sinking is not something that happens just in one day and then the next day it’s back to normal. I’ve been sinking since probably November or December. It’s very slow. It’s like Post-Grad Funk: Extended Addition. It’s the moment when the funk starts to feel a bit more permanent. I sink a little bit each day, but I don’t notice it everyday if that makes sense.

Last night I noticed it. This morning I noticed it. It’s not any one, particular thought that makes me sink. It’s a vague feeling. And I knew that if I wasn’t productive with my day today it would get worse.

When I really think about it, its the uncertainty of my life that acts as the catalyst for sinking. It’s probably different for everyone, but I’m willing to bet that for anyone around my age it just might be the same factor.

So last night I set my alarm for 7am. Waking up early almost guarantees a better day just because you feel good about yourself for getting up early when you didn’t necessarily have to.

I try to run any errands I need within the first two hours of getting up. It help me to feel productive, even if it’s as simple as going to the grocery store.

Going out for a jog. Walking my dog through the park. Being outside at all will help me to feel better. April is a beautiful, sunny month in California. Escaping the house will always make me feel like I’m a part of the rest of the population rather than the sense of isolation I get from being inside my house.

Face-to-face interaction or vocal communication helps because I need to hear others’ voices. It helps get me out of my own head and texting just doesn’t cut it. I’m an extrovert by nature and being around others is how I get my energy.

Lastly, I try to get my responsibilities taken care of. If I spent the entire day being a vegetable on youtube or Netflix (where I’m just staring at a screen) I would feel guilty and frustrated with myself. So if I’m on the computer I need to at least spend a few hours working on assignments for my internship or applying to jobs or working on my online classes. Something. Anything that will help push me further for my future.

It’s so crazy to think that even though I’m doing multiple things to better myself and get to where I want to be, I still feel like I’m not doing enough. I’m still so self-conscious of where I’m at in life. It’s never enough. So I guess the best thing to do is to keep yourself busy until it goes away? Who knows.

I might be ignoring the sinking or pushing it off, but it’s better than letting it engulf me.

Rest in Peace to My Beloved Friend and Fellow Loser

We gathered here today to say goodbye to a graduated loser gone too soon just in time.

She was able to move onward and upward before the 1 year mark of her graduation date. She is in a better place now. What is this better place you may ask? Grad school.

She has been accepted into grad school. She has moved on and successfully shed herself from her loser title. No, she did not actually die. I’m just melodramatic. But hey, this is serious! The Losers of Crown Town consisted of 3 official members and 1 honorary member. And now, there’s just two of us left!

My best friend is going to be starting her program for both a teaching credential and master’s degree. And we are super stoked for her!


Look at her lovely Korean face^

Two things have happened as a result of this exciting change.

1. She has completely vanished from our Losers of Crown town group message


2. It is now a race two the finish between me and my only remaining loser left.

Who will be the last one standing? Only time will tell!

Read a Book That’s Cheesy Yet Insightful

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho is where you should go. Yes I’m aware, it’s a well-known book. Most readers have already read it. Well, read it again then! Dang. For those who don’t know, it’s a short read (that somehow took me four months to read), BUT it did give me some food for thought.

The first few pages into the book there’s the introduction of the book’s major theme which is the Personal Legend. This is the super cheesy part. When I first read the page that brought this phrase to page I thought, “Oh great, this is some cliche, soul-searching novel, isn’t it?” And why yes, yes it was.

But considering my awkward placement in life, it might have been just what I needed. A personal legend is the idea that everyone on this Earth has a set path they are supposed to live out. Everyone is meant to do something and reach this amazing, self-fulfilling place. The kicker is, just because it is meant for you, doesn’t guarantee it will happen. It’s a two-way street. You gotta acknowledge it and then work for it. You can buy into it or not.

I for one will say the novel does a great job at saying one thing to the reader, if you have a gut feeling, something inside you that is pulling you a certain direction, go for it! It will usually be the deep desire or dream you have that scares you shitless. I think most times we tend to push those feelings away because they seem impractical, impossible and scary. If something seems too far out of our reach, we often tend to not even bother. I’m constantly trying not to fall into the temptation of not even trying because the “it” seems too far to reach. Therefore, reminders like The Alchemist can be the small jolt you need to continue pushing forward. So yeah it’s cliche but get over it! Some of life’s best secrets “are hidden behind the word cliche.”

My Ultimate Career Goal

Shoutout to Chrissey for giving me this idea.

When someone asked me why I majored in English I would tell them it was because I wanted to be an editor at some hot shot magazine or publishing company.


(Yes just like that^)

That was my career goal. It still is my career goal. I chose it as a 16 year old because I loved books and reading, but (oddly enough) I couldn’t see myself as a writer. The behind-the-scenes of the book world seemed like the perfect fit. I experienced some doubts in college because I couldn’t call myself super passionate for it. The idea of being an editor interested me and I had a feeling I would like it, but I wasn’t busting down doors to work with campus magazines or newspapers. That was my sign that maybe my passions lied else where.

I later realized that the thing that would really make my heart soar, the thing that I know I would love no matter the pay, was actually based in the other subject I chose to study in college.My minor. The subject I happened to choose out of pure love and interest. It was the kind of obsessive intrigue you can’t turn away from.

While my major was English (a choice made to pursue a career in editing and publishing), my minor was Spanish. Now this doesn’t mean I want to be your next Spanish 1 teacher. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. I always wanted to figure out a way to combine my minor and major into the same career. When I went to study abroad in Spain two years ago I told my friends I wanted to reach some sort of life-changing, path-finding epiphany while there. And even though it was a dream come true to live in Madrid, my epiphany didn’t hit me until a year later.

It hit me at work actually. My restaurant job where the majority of my coworkers who worked in the kitchen were native Spanish speakers. I loved speaking in Spanish with them because they were funny and they helped me practice. And boy did they get a kick out of seeing black girl speak Spanish. One day, my coworker who is a mom of three told me that all her kids and her husband knew English. She was the only one who couldn’t speak it fluently. She shared with me how much she wanted to learn English. She told me her frustrations of people only teaching her the bad words in English. It embarrassed her to try to speak it because it came out broken. An embarrassment I knew all too well. I imagine as a mom of three boys who works full time at an hourly-paid job, she wasn’t in the position to find the time or resources to learn on her own. I suggested watching shows in English and listening to music. But I know from experience that this isn’t enough. Language learning requires exposure from all areas. You need the traditional grammar lessons, the studying, the perfecting of syntactical structure, building up the vocab, constant exposure, auditory exposure, written exposure, interactive conversation. I could go on for fucking days.

It was in that moment I wished so badly I could dedicate time to sit down and help her. As it turned out, it was my last two weeks there and I lived an hour away. Impractical. In that moment it hit me clear as day. I would love to be able to be an English teacher for adults in the U.S. Adults who came to the U.S. later in their lives who were already out of school, making it harder to pick up a second language as easily as a child in school. I could write an entire other post about how crucial access to other languages is to me, but I’ll save that for another day.

I want to help people who would want the language as badly, if not more, than the way I wanted to learn Spanish. Those are the people I want to help. Adults that might not have the time or resources. Yet here in lies the problem I haven’t quite worked out in my mind to solve. How would I make a career out of helping people who don’t have the time or resources? Nonprofit? Maybe just as a side hobby? I haven’t quite hashed out the details of this. But I keep this dream tucked away for a later date.

Funny enough, I didn’t think about this second career as an option when I made the decision to teach English abroad. Teaching English abroad, like most people, was a decision I made to see more of the world. A decision made to go back to a Spanish-speaking country in order to improve my own skills. A selfish decision. As it turns out, this selfish decision has also been pointing me in the direction I would love to go someday. So my friends, that is my ultimate career goal. Let’s just say I have two: badass editor and dedicated ESL teacher.

What’s yours?

Becoming “Grandma”

A reflection on how a Thirsty Thursday Hoe transitions into the Grandma lifestyle.


(This photo was the safest one I could find with me and alcohol)

Now this is not something I proudly admit, but yes, I was a Thirsty Thursday hoe. This isn’t a reflection on any possible promiscuity of mine which I will make no comment on, but rather it’s a name that reflects my tendency and any college student’s tendency to go out and party at least once or twice during the week. There was a time when I would work 11am-8pm on a Friday, rush home to shower and change, hit the party/bars/formal at 10, get home at 2am, and then wake up at 5:45am (Yes you read that right) to make it to my opening shift at 6:30am that next Saturday.

I will say, once you fall into this routine it becomes an almost addictive habit. It’s fun to be out late with your friends and it’s fun not knowing what will happen or who you’ll meet. And of course, drinking can be fun if done the right way. College life in general is structured around staying up late, waking up late or forcing yourself to wake up early for class. The college schedule is loud and busy in about twenty different ways. Going out on the weekend (and on week nights) just becomes part of the chaotic lifestyle sometimes. Turn this into four years back-to-back, and you’ll forget what it was like to think 10pm was late. That is, until you graduate and get on normal people schedule again.

I don’t know if this happens for everyone, but it seemed like the second I crossed over to the “other side,” my body decided it had had enough of my unstable sleeping schedule and it could no longer pull extra, reserve energy out of my ass for any wild nights.

It was time to be an almost adult. First step, adjusting to the adult schedule. Which meant no more Margarita Mondays, Tequila Tuesdays, Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, day-ragers and barely any regular Friday nights. Also, no more getting home at 2am and waking up for work at 7am. Adult jobs require a brain it turns out, which doesn’t function with less than 6 hours of sleep and a stomach full of Peach Amsterdam.

Do you wanna know why old people only go out Saturdays? It’s because it’s the only day when they don’t work and the only night they can sleep in for the next day. It’s sad guys; until it isn’t. Because if you’re like me, once you reach this point the desire to go out barely even exists. And….it’s kinda nice.


“What???” The undergrads may ask.

Yes, it is kind of nice. And that is how a Thirsty Thursday Hoe becomes The Grandma.

So, now that you’re a grandma, what do you do? How do you live life as a grandma? Well first things first:

  1. You like the idea of being in bed by 9.
  2. When presented the option of going out or being lazy with a movie night, it’s obvious you’re not going anywhere.
  3. You find yourself worrying about fiber intake, digestion and nutrition. Because, what a shock, this body can’t last on liquor and cheese puffs forever. Plus you actually have time to care about health.
  4. You may look at any college kids you still know and drop your jaw over the things they are doing on a Tuesday night (as if you never were in that position yourself).
  5. There also might be a slight disconnect from the world through social media.
  6. You might even catch yourself referring to anyone a year or more younger than you as “The Youth.”
  7. And when did taking shots get so hard? Where is the hoe I used to know?

She went nigh-nighs, and won’t be waking up for a loooong time.

Hobbies for the 20-something


You know what question I fucking hate other than, “Where do you see yourself five years from now?” It’s, “What do you like to do for fun?”

My inner dialogue then goes off on this internal panic:

UM excuse me, sir. Why are you all up in my grill, asking me things like you want to get to know me? Stop it. We both know I will be heavily evaluated based on my response. You are prying into my (very uneventful) personal life and I do not appreciate it.

And now I feel like I need to prove to you that I have fun. For the record, I do have fun. I just can’t think of any examples right now. Hmpf!

In all honesty, for me the normal person response should be “spending time with the people you enjoy, that way the fun just happens by being with them.” Fun isn’t dictated by specific activities for me. I don’t even find hobbies that fun. Hobbies just pass the time, okay? Okay?!?!


This blog is the sad result of an embarrassing amount of free time. If you convert all of your old study/homework/napping time from college into only Netflix time, you may quickly develop a problem. Therefore, hobbies actually become necessary at this point in life. Even if all they do is “pass the time.”

In college I hardly studied. As an English major I only had to write papers on material I sometimes read. In my free time I volunteered at an elementary school, napped, went out and committed myself to all those “mandatory” sorority-sisterhood-yadayadayada-events.

So how do I use my abundance of free time as a graduate (not including my job or my internship)? Well, my friends, I volunteer as a mentor for high school students. I slap some thoughts onto this here lovely blog. I watch  A LOT of telenovelas, maybe too many. Buuuuut I feel like I need to do more. Maybe something more active? More outside-sy? Maybe something less lame and more fun.

So I’m trying to compile a list of shit to do and skills to master as I slowly descend into adult life.

I figured that by this point into writing this post, some ideas would have popped into my head for me to list out for you guys. But I got nothin’. What a disappointment. Just like the these last 9 months of being graduated. lol

That’s postgrad for ya.

A Letter For My Little Sisters

I wrote this for my little sis in my sorority and my younger sister who are both hitting 20 this year. I thought it would be fitting to share since I’m constantly yapping away about life here

Happy Birthday and welcome to the scariest decade of your life!

I think there are about a thousand articles on the internet about what to expect from your twenties (really, there’s a shit ton) and all of them say pretty much the same thing: it’s a massive feeling of uncertainty that never goes away. I’ve only lived three years of it myself, and I don’t think I have much down just yet lmao.

At 20 I didn’t feel much different, I felt like my age sounded older, but that was it. I will say that a lot began to change once I hit 20. Me at 18 vs me at 20 were almost two different people now that I look back. You’ve already changed since graduating high school, but expect a lot more shit to go down. Prepare yourself because some of it’s fun and some of it’s not.

My biggest advice: If you have a gut feeling about what you want to do, where you want to go, who you want to be, go with it! Your gut feeling is what will get you places. 20 is when I joined Alpha Chi and when I started planning for Spain, two hugely important decisions for my college career. Don’t let fear or “what ifs” keep you from following your gut. I literally had to be convinced by two people the night of the rush week registration deadline because I let my hesitation and fear get to me; dumb. And don’t ever let people talk you out of doing something when you know deep down it will be something that makes you happy. Unless it’s hard drugs or criminal activity, of course, in which case you have some other issues to discuss.

My biggest hope for you is to live out these last two years of college as loudly as possible. Take yourself into new environments. Expose yourself to all the people you can, study all you can, explore all you can. If you’re decided on your career look for internships and volunteer opportunities that will give you the experience you need when you graduate. Because, oh my god, that will save you SO much trouble once you hit postgrad. Keeping balance in college is hard, but I hope you do your best. Relationships with friends and a social life are just as important as academic success and career preparation, both aspects of college will develop you in different ways.

If you ever need help, I can practically provide a three-year preview on whatever you have concerns about. I’ll be your life cheat sheet if you will.

Enjoy your day (and your decade) because it’s going to be a hell of a ride.


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