Sometimes the biggest road block in the way of our ultimate success is ourselves.

Why is it that our own brains like to make our lives more complicated by making us believe we can’t do something? That we aren’t worthy of the things we want? That somehow whatever we desire is just too scary for us to even try to achieve?

It really be your own sometimes.

Our brains love to freak us out when the things we want in life are big and great. And because of that, we block our blessings. We psych ourselves out and back away. When the truth is the dreams and goals that scare us the most are usually the ones we should run straight after (cliche, I know).

When I was a kid it was my mom who forced me to do the things that seemed too scary. From trying out for the competition team at my dance studio to enrolling in honors courses for the first time. I was always mortified and she was always the one to shove me right in and say, “You can do this!” Right before those scary moments I would really dislike her. Yet somehow every time she pushed me, I succeeded in whatever it was that was so big and scary.

Now that we’re adults, we have to push ourselves past the fear. Fighting our own negative thoughts. Moving past our own self doubt. The battle with yourself is one of the toughest you’ll face. I have to tell my brain to shut the hell up all the time. Some days she beats me too. And yet, any time I’ve beaten her I have never regretted doing the big scary thing.

Our lives won’t ever be devoid of sad moments, trying times or depression. When the difficult moments enter our lives it feels like they will last forever. It feels like happiness won’t come again and that we’re just stuck in an endless cycle of emptiness.

“Find the things that used to make you happy.” Well that’s a little difficult if you no longer have the desire to do the things that used to make you happy. If we knew exactly the steps to take to make us happy, wouldn’t we already be doing it?

Sometimes it takes a push. Sometimes I think we almost become comfortable with being miserable. For me at least, the idea of happiness feels so foreign it’s almost scary to imagine being happy again. Any happy moment I think I’m experiencing I almost always say to myself, “It probably won’t last long. This is just a fleeting moment you think is actual happiness, it will go away.” Without a doubt I’m preparing myself to feel empty again, without being disappointed that this good feeling I had didn’t last.

I don’t know the exact steps to take to feel true joy within myself again. I tell myself I have to wait for A, B and C events in my life before I’m happy. However, that’s more than likely false. I think I could find a way to be happy again and stop distracting myself with temporary fixes. It will take conscious effort everyday and I’ll have to shake up my routine. Starting with writing again. Maybe I’ll discover new ways to feel fulfilled and content with myself along the way.

My best friend just moved to England this summer and I have a few friends living on the east coast. This seemed like the perfect excuse to escape my life of monotony for a while. I was running away from my boredom, my depression, my grief and the stagnancy of my life in general.

Two weeks away in London, Boston, New Haven and New York sounded like the perfect two weeks where nothing could go wrong. I was honestly afraid that once I came back home I would feel even worse by being reminded how my life at home was no where near as exciting.

I flew back to California happy to be home and not just because a beautiful, sunny 80 degree day welcomed me back.

I expected my trip to be perfect, but it wasn’t. There were several hiccups throughout my trip. They were both minor inconveniences and emotional upheavals. I realized that no matter where you are, life isn’t going to be perfect. Problems will follow everywhere and everyone. And depression certainly didn’t decide to take a two week vacation while I travelled. None of this should have been a surprise to me, but it was. I was afraid being in beautiful, bustling cities would fill me with a new sorrow. I was nervous at the idea of returning to my quiet suburban city feeling more stuck than ever. Luckily that wasn’t the case. There’s no place like home after all.

What’s better, I was relieved to discover this because it meant I didn’t have to be envious of my friends who have moved away. They’re all doing amazing things right now. And rather than being envious or jealous, it inspired me to get back on track with myself, my healing and my progress. I’ve returned with an appreciation for my life and more of a drive to grab ahold of the things I want most for myself.

The idea of running away can have a negative connotation attached to it sometimes. However, there are moments when running away for a while might be just the thing that’s needed. It can light a spark in you, just as it did for me.

I’ve been purposefully avoiding my blog for these last three months. I knew that if I came here again after my last post, it would be an emotional process to write the next. These four months of grief have dealt me a card I still don’t know how to handle. Leaving aside the fact that I’m grieving and all the messy things that come along with that, I have been left feeling completely alone. Which of course, is a consequence of grief.

I am 100% an extrovert. I love being around other people, I thrive off of it, get my energy from it. My extroverted nature is the reason why I never had a problem with all the roommates I had during my four years at college. So when I woke up one day this summer and realized how isolated I felt, it was a hard pill to swallow. I feel physical isolation as a result of being away from all of most of friends. I feel an emotional isolation because I still have difficulty feeling connected with others in my life after the death of my dad. Despite trying to be open with everyone how hard this process has been for me, I still find myself in a place where I feel as though no one gets it and no one can help me.

The day I realized how bad this loneliness had become was the night I had made plans to go to a birthday dinner in LA. I was really looking forward to doing something normal and with people I hadn’t seen in a while. But as the time approached to go, I got a massive wave of anxiety and it was so overwhelming that I didn’t show up. As a girl who love, love, loves going out, I realized that my isolation had created a fear of being around groups of people. So even though I don’t want to feel lonely, I’m too hesitant to make major plans with anyone, for fear of something going wrong.

Truly defeating loneliness is a hard thing to conquer. You have to make sure you’re not depending on other people as distractions to do it. I notice my good days are always the ones where I see and interact with people, never the ones where I spend it alone.

My loneliness sharpens when I see and compare others’ lives on social media, which we all understand as a big “no no” to do. Yet, it’s practically irresistible. If you’re going to be extremely susceptible to snapchat stories and Instagram posts, it might be best to put those things away for a while. Even if you delete those apps for a short time, you’ll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders and hopefully you’ll remember how unimportant it is to see what everyone is doing every second of the day.

Getting comfortable with yourself and being alone is huge. Being alone and loneliness are two different things. If you can find comfort in your “me time,” maybe the loneliness will fade away. Right now I’m doing my best to enjoy the days alone I have. However, if  I have multiple days in a row when I’m alone I start having difficulties so it still is a hurdle I need to jump over.

When you’re in your loneliness you might find yourself looking for distractions. They may be either productive or destructive and somehow the destructive ones always seem more appealing. As I work through this myself, I try to think through all my actions and decisions. People tell me to do things that used make me happy, the hobbies and pastimes I love. Distracting yourself with the things that bring you those kinds of inner joys is no doubt a great thing to do.

I want to suggest talking to a close friend or family member on a regular basis, but the truth is if you’re trying to get over loneliness like me, maybe it’s best to try and figure it out on your own instead of with other people. In my case anyway, I know that I’ll just begin to depend on people and I’d rather depend on myself. When it comes to family and friends though, the best thing I can say is to not push them away when they reach out to you. Be honest with them when they ask how you’re feeling. Tell them why you feel lonely, maybe they can help.